:: Record Review

Kylie Minogue

X
(EMI; 2007/2008)

Rating: 65%

Randy: Alright, so check it out dawg, that was pretty good. Some fun dance stuff in here. Doesn’t make you work too hard, that’s good. I think it’s not your strongest performance so far, and that comes basically down to song choice and production. “2 Hearts” was good but I’m not sure it shows off your best qualities. Its tomcat swagger requires perhaps a bit more beef than you can muster, man, and I suspect that this informed the decision to add rather brute vocal effects and distorted “woos” that clutter up the chorus. Stick to your uptown side dawg! When you’re the most beautiful silk there’s no need to envy burlap for its roughness. You get right back to the dance-pop though, and I like that, you know? I like when you’re in that zone, but the production here is a bit too trend-aping without really being able to break out of that. “Like A Drug” and “Heart Beat Rock” have too much of that American Timberspearstado sound with itchy, click-stop beats and thick synth lines meant to make up for the choppy hooks. Stick with the euro-dance sound dude, like on “In My Arms” and “Wow,”with a rock-steady beat and backing tracks that are just that—tracks that leave room for your vocals and don’t feel the need to impress us with their cleverness. It was good though.

Paula: Kylie [Dramatic sigh] Kylie Kylie Kylie Kylie! You are my light and my inspiration. You are a bright shining star in this competition and I can tell that your whole heart and soul is in this record. You know what I like about you? You’re so real. Up there under the lights is where you come alive and really show what’s special inside you. And after your battle with cancer I’m just so happy to see you back up there. It’s a real testament to your sense of restraint and judgment to come back with an album that addresses your life-altering struggle, but not too much. You keep the focus on what you always have: fun, life-affirming pop. And since you have such a light touch with it, the songs that address more serious themes are some of the strongest. “No More Rain” is much better than it could’ve been, and “Stars” has one of the most ass-kicking choruses on the album. Of course none of it is poetry, but Kylie you deliver your clichés with such sincerity, such unbridled optimism, it charms even the most cynical parts of me. If only all dance-pop could be this weightlessly joyous. Kylie, you’re everything I love about life! I want to jump across this table and give you 58 Nobel Superbowl Medals, just for being you, and then spend my life hugging you with all the adorable orphan kitties in Oceana. I choreographed George Micheal’s “Faith” tour.

Simon: Oi hay-ed i’—ahem… I hated—

Studio Audience: AW BOOOOOOOOOO!

Simon: Boo me all you want. I thought it was utterly dispensable. First off, Bloodshy & Avant are terrible, and their productions here—“Speakerphone” and, ugh, “Nu-di-ty”—sound like bad Blackout takes. But that’s basically not even important. Look, Kylie, you’re caught in a paradox: you’ve reached the pinnacle of future-shine uptown dance with Fever and now you either have to top it, which is impossible, or grow as an artist in a different direction. The trouble is, you’re exactly the kind of artist that no one, least of all me, wants to see do anything different. You’re a great singer but you contribute comparatively little to the actual creation of your records and thus you’re a pop singer, not an artist—BOO ME ALL YOU WANT. The idea of a Kylie Minogue record that is more serious, more envelope-pushing, or more introspective than this absolutely horrifies me and so I thank you for keeping the train on the tracks BUT! If I want to listen to the music you must keep making then I have only to pop in your best album and enjoy it. This record serves only to clutter bargain bins like so many other unremarkable pop records. We all loved Fever and applauded your world takeover but now we’re done with you. Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

[Cocky non-shrug]