Cokemachineglow recently caught up with Irwin [“White”], who, we have recently discovered, is a somewhat-distant relative of our very own Edgar White, and who lives in Melbourne, Australia. Irwin is seven years old and has a very big imagination. His father is the sound engineer for many of the local pubs in/around Melbourne, and Irwin often goes with his dad to work. Dad says that his son’s teachers often praise Irwin’s creative flare, but “Really he’s just the world’s youngest pathological liar, the little shit.” His dad is fast-tracking him via private school for leadership of the Liberal Party. The interview is reprinted with the permission of both Irwin and his Dad.

We met Irwin during recess and, over Strawberry Big M’s, we discussed the last gig he attended.

CMG: What was the last gig you attended?

Irwin: It was The Basics. They have a new album coming out. It’s called Stand Up With Your Pants Up, You Wankers!

CMG: Don’t you mean Stand Out / Fit In?

Irwin: That’s what I said. Do you like them? [Whispers: Say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes…]

CMG: Yes.

Irwin: I knew you would say that. You look like you’re one of those guys who is not as dumb as you look or people say.

CMG: Thanks.

Irwin: Last night at The Basics’ show their drummer was Animal from the Muppets.

CMG: Really?

Irwin: Yeah, and except he had the voice of what my dad calls “sweet soul brother music” singers.

CMG: Did you know that he also makes “sweet soul brother” music without the band?

Irwin: Yes and his name is Wally de Backer and his other name is Gotye and his album is called Red Blood-Drinking Finger Painted Robot Vampire Wankers Will Kill My Teacher and it has lots of good songs on it that are too sophisticated for me to appreciate properly.

CMG: That’s exactly right. So what did you think of The Basics’ show last night?

Irwin: Everyone was talking about how can the drummer bloke Wally sing like he’s on the CD but drum so hard at the same time. And then a crazy person ran on stage with a giant hoop and he moved it over Wally’s head like magicians do when they make girls float in the air. It would not go through his neck no matter what, and the guy then started yelling stuff. He said “Look! Wally is real and not a giant drum-playing marionette sort of like Animal from the Muppets except not pink and fuzzy and has rags for clothing!” My Dad says there are crazy people in this city. He was given a take-away pint of snakebite and then everyone asked him to leave by throwing him out.

CMG: Your Dad?

Irwin: Yes. And also the guy with the hoop, too, except they were not the same. Do you like Weezer?

CMG: Not the newer stuff, but The Blue Album and Pinkerton are really good.

Irwin: I’m not allowed to listen to Pinkerton until I’m positive thirty years old, but I think The Basics sound like Weezer, except also like old music, when music was good, when I was negative 25 years old. Which is why they all wear nice suits like back then. Like on that label which had Bruce Wayne as the boss, and Commissioner Gordon as the other boss.

CMG: Motown.

Irwin: No.

CMG: Motown?

Irwin: Yes. Motown.

CMG: Tell me about The Basics’ single from their album.

Irwin: They have two other guys. One is Kris and he plays bass and sings and one is Tim and he plays guitar and sings and on this song which is called “Just Hold On” they do backscratch vocals make the track really go bop bop bop bop and it is a love song about how the band loves each other.

CMG: Are you sure?

Irwin: Well it’s not about [makes finger-quotes] girls.

CMG: What else?

Irwin: They are not from Sydney because they do not have pink fluoro shirts on and are not an-drog-y-nous.

CMG: That’s a big word!

Irwin: My Dad says they remind him of drive-through movies where I was invented by him and Mom. And it’s really bouncy and fun. And it’s like blues but has more of a beat and people in the pubs dance the Herky-Herky to it and I laugh so hard.

CMG: Do you think it sounds like “Rhythm and Blues”?

Irwin: I know what that is. And I know that Weezer does not sound at all like Jodeci. And I’m allowed to listen to this AND I really like it too, which also makes it different from Jodeci. So I answer “No.” I have to go back to school now or my teacher will shoot me out of a cannon into a pit of olives across the ocean. My teacher is made of dandruff, from his head to the bottoms of his trainers like in that Def Leppard song, except just all dandruff. He has to wear Safeway bags to not leak, and even then sometimes we throw echidnas at him when he’s not looking.

CMG: …

Irwin: Was this interview in French?

CMG: Well, thanks for the Big M, Irwin.

Irwin: No wuckins mate.

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