American Idol starts next week; my TiVo is shuddering in anticipation. The first AI coronation I witnessed from frumpy audition to maudlin, jittering finale was last season’s rhyming Cockerite Taylor Hicks, and while I watched a little of the previous season’s princess story, I’m left with a lot of grey area as to just why these particular people ended up lifted on high. Because despite only five official Idols, at this point the show is responsible for about a dozen bona fide celebrities, not including Simon Cowell’s pert manbreasts. As far as I can tell, the general template for getting far in the competition seems to be a combination of underdog looks -- be they Kelly Clarkson’s appealing approachability or Clay Aiken’s unmitigated ghastliness -- and an intangible “soulfulness” -- see gripping work schlub Chris Daughtry’s woefully misappropriated thunderlungs or Taylor Hicks’ avuncular Sam Cooke impersonation. Keeping this formula in mind, then, the two flukes are Carrie Underwood, who’s just really hot, and Justin Guarini, who is proof that America hates itself.

That “Hood Boy” is Fantasia’s “Since You Been Gone” is obvious: she’s wiggled free of Clive Davis’ “star-making” power and netted herself a pretty spry pop song, its horn line bursting over the canned claps and guitar chings like a Rich Harrison track flipped inside out, so that instead of every element exploding on impact (ahem, “1 Thing”), the song glides on its samples, smooth sailing forever. That the beat is (frankly) hot is a) stunning, because who the fuck expected Fantasia to deliver like this, Beyoncing all over the syncopated breakdowns, b) validating, because now at least two Idols have delivered bona fide pop smashes outside of their victory afterglow, and c) ground-the-fuck-home by Big Boi’s sauntering cameo. It takes him a few bars to work into the flow, but by the time he’s spitting about “riding around town looking crispy” he’s already set himself up to slam the song shut with a second iteration of the horn line (the song’s wordless chorus, really) and a couple more Fantasia caterwauls.

It’s strange to see Fantasia literally shaking her ass in the video, since her popularity was asexual to begin with, but I suppose that’s part of the fun; that’s part of why America wanted someone like her to win in the first place. What’s funny about the AI formula is that it’s the exact opposite of what viewers -- and the show’s creators -- claim it is. We like to think that AI exists to discover new talent, and that that talent happens to take the form of regular looking people with monstrous voices, but the exact opposite is true. We vote for people like Elliot Yamin and Constantine Menounos because we want to make regular looking people famous, but it seems only a few have talent, or at least the alchemic combination of production, marketability and charisma that functions as talent in modern pop music. Do Kelly Clarkson and Fantasia Barrino have that legitimate talent? Did America unwittingly Idolize somebody with something to give in return? It’s too early to call, but “Since You Been Gone” and now “Hood Boy” are striking arguments in their favor, and if we hold everyone to their bets one can’t shake the conviction that under Ruben Studdard this beat would sink. And I’m not just saying that because he’s fat.

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