CMG will not be reviewing Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson's third record, the defiantly titled Curtis. This is because I would probably have to do that review, and that means I would have to listen to that record, and that's just not something I'm going to do right now. My bathroom wall just caved in; I lack the strength to slug through another swamp of murky beats and slurred self-aggrandizement and (worse yet) Eminem cameos. This arduous listening experience would not even be leavened by the fact that it's popular, that I've got my ear to the zeitgeist, because it will be the sound of failure. Curtis will be an expensive, turgid affair, listened to embarrassingly infrequently, selling almost nothing and signaling the endtimes. And while in years past the prospect of 50 Cent's first big flop would seem appealing, at this point in my life I just don't have time for that shit. Keeping up with Weezy's task enough, thanks.

So take this as an olive branch, Curtis. I could just as easily pan any of the three other singles you've unsuccessfully released in the past six months, none gaining traction, each a more embarrassing rehash than the last, but instead I've chosen to focus today on "Ayo Technology," your mega-costly kinda-hit that sucks less than the other three fucking singles you've shat out. It sounds like Jimmy Iovine's steely black Amex card frantically buying its way out of debt, Timbaland burbling one out right quick and whispering some shit in the background, JT's voice thin and charisma-free but still sounding like JT. This is a Shock Therapy skit with some Fiddy verses thrown in, and they are not very good, attempting to fall into a catchphrase coast but just sounding ridiculous: "Now don't stop / Get it, get it / The way she's moving makes me wanna hit it." The mic is unforgiving when he singsongs about nymphos, and when JT comes back in for the chorus the cold reality of the track becomes too clear. This track was bought on a goddamn CD-R and mailed to a studio and Curtis freestyled over it. None of these dudes spent a second in the studio together in the entire making of this track. Everybody cashes a check and music continues to suck.

See what I mean? Hate can be exhausting.

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